Let’s not open this article on a lie: I’m personally a huge fan of American Horror Story. I have a lot of feelings about a lot of things and I have to admit, the last season just didn’t cut it for me.
That said, there’s a magic in anthological TV shows and video games; it’s hard to get bored when every series or game brings something new to the table.
Whichever season you like best, there’s an American Horror Story shirt for it. Don’t believe me? Well, that’s what this article is for!
1. Are You Ready to Join the Coven? They’re in Need of a New SupremeSource: TeePublic
The hatred of Coven was more intense than the hatred for The Last Jedi. Also like The Last Jedi, it was totally unfounded. Coven was great, and the majority of American Horror Story shirts out there are designed are in Coven-related themes. It was the campy laugh-fest we needed after the darkness of the Asylum, and I could watch Denis O'Hare do anything, including treating dolls and corpses like his babies. Coven was awesome. Even if I missed the chance to go to Robichaux. Deal with it.
Get the Robichaux Academy tee on teepublic.com
2. Maybe We’ll Find Out if There’s Life on Mars Finally?Source: TeePublic
Picture this: Jessica Lange doing a Marlene Dietrich voice, dressed like David Bowie, while owning a Freak Show. That is the kind of thing dreams are made of and while Freak Show seemed to be more divisive a season than even Coven, those who liked it, well, really liked it. Don't get me wrong, Twisty's story was totally underdone and I could have lived my entire life without seeing the Jimmy Darling-does-Nirvana Glee club segment, but I still loved Fraulein Elsa and her charming cabinet of curiosities.
Get this Elsa Mars t-shirt on teepublic.com
3. Being a Geek is Kind of a Cult of its Own AccordSource: TeePublic
We are slaves to our likes and dislikes, after all, and being a geek means we feel all those things that little bit more intensely and instead of hurting anyone, we take out our rage on our video games or consumer therapy with our Horizon Zero Dawn merchandise or our Fallout merchandise or Star Wars pops or American Horror Story shirts or whatever our choice of distraction is at the time. And we will do it because we can. While I didn't really enjoy Cult, I still watched it and debated drawing this on the mirror of a friend who also hated Cult. Just for funsies.
Get the AHS Cult t-shirt on teepublic.com
4. If All Monsters Are Human, Are All Humans Monsters?Source: Amazon
One of the best parts of every season of Horror Story is this message. There may be monsters in the world, but the majority of them are, in fact, human. Tate Langdon, Bloody Face, Lalaurie... they're all human or were. It's a fascinating fact of life, one that makes us keep going back to franchises like Star Wars. Humans are invariably flawed and it's us that decide who or what the monsters are. These Gremlin toys might even be considered as not being monsters to some people. Same goes for when people say Tate is nice...
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5. Stevie Nicks Being in Your Coven Has to Be a PlusSource: Amazon
It seemed like stunt casting until Hotel brought Gaga and then it seemed like it made sense, but as a lover of both Stevie and Gaga, I was guaranteed to love both of them to hell and back. This American Horror Story shirt is one to wear when you've maybe been called a bitch one-too-many times and want to own it. If Tina Fey is to be asked, we get stuff done, and there's a reason that powerful women were the ones accused of witchcraft back in the day: doing a single thing we wanted to do. If the alternative is being part of the crowd, I sure know what I'd do...
Get this American Horror Story coven tee on amazon.com
6. Forget Any of the Other Political Candidates for the Last Fifty Years…Source: TeePublic
She started out as a crying, screaming, phobia-induced mess and turned out to be one of the strongest characters in seven seasons. (When did we get to season seven?) Cult was influenced by real-life politics and with politics, there is always gonna be a divide and in a land where a TV personality can become President of the United States, who's to say a fictional character can't take those actual reins? Support your local ex-clorophobe because, well, look at thoppositionon.
Get the vote Ally Mayfair-Richards t-shirt on teepublic.com
7. Step into the Carnival, but Be Careful What You Wish ForSource: TeePublic
It isn't the sealman you have to look out for, nor is it the Siamese twins or the strong man. It's deeper than that. Richer. Its lore has been in further seasons of the show but started in Freak Show, not with Twisty the Killer Clown, but with one man: Dandy Mott. Never trust a big baby momma's boy who hates everything. Especially himself. The design on this shirt is the front of the carnival, and however it was you felt about season 4, the opening shot with the wide camera down onto the Carnivale-esque circus was everything.
Get the Freak Show long-sleeved tee on teepublic.com
8. I Just Hope None of You Have Coulrophobia…Source: Amazon
Bless our misunderstood hero. He was picked on so much that you have to feel sorry for him, mostly because he's a fictional character and no actual people died, unlike when it comes to serial killers or, relatedly, the show Hannibal. I'm so pleased Twisty became part of the lore of the show. It's nice to see him revisited time after time again and his send-off, though far too early, was brilliantly acted. What can I say? I'm a Twisty fan through and through, and wouldn't we all have preferred to see him prevail than whiny baby Dandy boy??
Get this oversized Twisty shirt on amazon.com
9. Just Like Batman, We Tend to Wear Black Every Day of the WeekSource: TV Store Online
That said, I do remember the first time I heard the quote on one of the Coven trailers and the legion of people it inspired (myself included) to wear black in preparation for it to air. To this day, it's above its Mean Girls reference origins for me, and I've taken wearing black to such a new level that the only colorful clothing I have is Rick and Morty clothing. I regret nothing, neither does Batman, and neither should you.
Get this Coven shirt on tvstoreonline.com
10. Ozymandias Sure Would’ve Liked This Under Different CircumstancesSource: Amazon
I don't know about you guys, but I totally relate to Oz when it comes to clowns. I don't hate them, I'm not afraid of them. No, I actively love them. Did you know the fear of clowns allegedly didn't explode until IT? I'm sure it did to some degree, but it was Stephen King that really got that all started. So I guess it's him I ought to write to so I can thank him for providing us all with this fabulously hilarious piece of morning television, huh? Watch this and you're welcome.
Get the Twisty fan club shirt on amazon.com
11. An American Horror Story Shirt for All SeasonsSource: Amazon
Guess which season is which and then guess again, because you'll miss the excitement of doing it and if you're wanting an American Horror Story shirt that doesn't have a quote from the show on it or even one of the characters, this design combines both of those in a picture that looks more like something from the cover of a Hitchcock movie than anything else. Until you look closer, that is, and see the aliens from Asylum, the Countess, and her baby, Sister Jude, The Minotaur... I could go on but I won't. I'll let you figure them out yourself. Call it a belated Christmas present.
Get the house of horrors American Horror Story shirt on amazon.com
12. How Awesome Would it Be if AHS Brought Back All the Villains for One Season?Source: Amazon
They could go the J.J. Abrams and call it AHS: It Was All a Dream, Lost-style. Or hey, AHS: Bruce Willis Was Dead the Whole Time which I just came up with myself. Sister Jude being on it is a little strange since her arc was both redeemed and explained and not in a Breaking Bad kind of a way. A total way. But also, she was played by Jessica Lange and she is one of the best characters from the entire series. I'd put her on an American Horror Story shirt too. I'd put her on all of my shirts.
Get the American Horror Story villains shirt on amazon.com