Back to school, back to school! Yay! Said no one ever. It’s a bit annoying, I know, hearing people talk about going back to school when summer has barely started. There’s a lot of us adults though that don’t get two months to sit by the lake with our Legend of Zelda backpacks and bubble tea, so it could always be worse.
You have to be prepared. Prepared as in, you have to have the coolest backpack for school or for work or for essentially walking around the city on a hot-as-Bowser day. That’s where we come in, with a list of cool Super Mario backpacks for all our fellow geeklings.
1. Get A-Head With Mario!
With great puns come great responsibility. This Super Mario backpack is shaped like his head for good reason: there’s nobody that’s going to be able to miss you in it. I don’t know how it is Mario and Luigi are related when Mario’s head is three times the size of Luigi’s and he’s three times as tall. I mean, sure they look alike but are we positive they share 100% of the same lineage? Plus they’re Italian. Whatever the explanation, it has nothing to do with the fact this bag is so awesome and it’ll carry a decent amount of stuff to boot.
2. Something’s Up in Super Mario Land and it Ain’t the Sun
It’s all of the villains from all of the games in one fab, geeky backpack! It’s like the Joker switched fandoms after he’d broken into Arkham for the fifth time and decided, “I’m bored of these psychos. It’s time to release the Kraken!! Or, you know, the Bob-ombs and the Goombas, but who really knows which are the most threatening. Keep your books and your laptop safe in this. (It’s got a separate sleeve JUST for your laptop and can carry any up to 15”). Trust in the bad guys for once. They might surprise you, given the pack will be their home and anyone that wants to steal will be stealing from them.
3. Mario and Luigi are in Town and on Your Backpack
The (possibly only half related) brothers (they’ve got to wait for their DNA kit to come back from Ancestry) team up on the front of this patterned Super Mario Brothers backpack that’s the ideal size for your laptop, textbooks and/or lunch. Its pattern is adorable, though it might not be so much for picnics given the fact it’s basically white all over and the last thing Luigi wants on his time-to-shine merchandise is a grass stain. His brother gets all of the love! It’s his chance to at least share it, no?
4. This Koopa Plush Backpack Can Double as a Cuddly Toy
You’d have to make sure the straps are facing another way from you, lest you want to wake up with marks other than those made by pillow creases all over your face. But when you see Koopa in person, you’ll probably want to risk it and take this all into account. I wish we’d had plush backpacks growing up. I bet Bowser does, too. I bet, if he’d have had them, he might not have grown up to be quite as angry as he did. I guess we’ll never find out. The closest we can get is to buy this ourselves and sport it in his honor whilst also remaining honor…able.
5. This All Over Print Super Mario Backpack is so Cute it Actually Hurts
Not that I recommend tuning out of your school work to stare longingly at backpacks, pretending it’s a handy, on-site version of Where’s Waldo, except that I do, and this one can do that. (Off topic sorta, but do you think there’s a Where’s Waldo? app out there we can get??) Mario and the cast of characters from all the games are here to promote themselves by backing up our favorite plumber’s doughy little face. Its-a fun! Try it. You can carry your laptop in this one too. These days, I feel like that’s the number one thing to factor into backpack shopping for adventures. That’s not just me, is it?
6. If You’d Rather Hug Mario in Bed at Night, There’s a Plush MARIO Backpack Too
Avoid the ire of PETA by spooning an Italian plumber plush instead of a Koopa one. Are Koopas turtles? Are they on the endangered species list? But they’re so cute… Whether you want to risk your sanity or not, these backpacks really are good to cuddle at night. I can say this pretty much from a first person perspective after my plush Link got me through twelve too many nights of a French winter. Take Mario with you wherever you go. And if you’re adventurous enough like the dude himself, make your ringtone his voice so your Super Mario backpack can actually SPEAK.
7. Super Mario Characters in Minimalistic Form are Still Identifiable and SO Cute
As this backpack shows, you don’t need a whole lot of color to identify who it is that’s on the pack of the person standing in front of you. I would much rather be behind somebody with this Super Mario backpack than a plain, space-friendly pack that cost way too much money for way too little fun. This backpack is also big enough to carry overnight wear and your essentials, so if you find one of Mario’s hats with the wings (because where even do they disappear to?) you can put it in there to either take it back to him or use it yourself. I see no faults with this in my immediate vicinity. Do you?
8. Okay, but Since There’s a Yoshi Plush Backpack Too, Imma Have to Rethink the Whole PETA Thing
How cute is this dude? Yoshi might be the most popular character out of all the Super Mario characters. To the point where I even disliked him for a long time because of how popular he was because I am a) anti-establishment and b) kind of dumb because of it. Thing is, Yoshi is popular because he is freakin’ adorable, which means you can have a freakin’ adorable whatever-he-is on your back at all times. Genuinely, I think the only thing better would be to have an actual Yoshi in the house.
9. I’m Sorry Mario, All Your Princess Belong to Us Now
You think with how much of a hit Mario seems to be with the ladies, he’d have no problem letting her be kidnapped for the 80th time. Just so he can have a bit of a break. There’s something in his dedication, but also something in Bowser’s for being so crazy about her all he can do is kidnap her. Imagine if, after all of those games, the person she really liked was Yoshi. I imagine inter-species romance doesn’t count in Super Mario? Like, unless you’re a mushroom, I guess…
10. Get Your Favorite Angry Super Mario Fan a Super Angry Goomba Backpack
Plush too! Pose him beside Yoshi and you’ll have covered all bases for any moods you might be having. Despite his anger, by means somewhat similar to Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street, he’s a good guy just trying to get by. It’s just, well, all those damn plumbers keep Yipee-ing through his yard. When you get to his age and/or disposition, you’ll get it. And when you get it, you’ll GET it. This Super Mario backpack is also big enough for a Super Mario chess board too. Jussayin.
11. These NES Cartridge Backpacks are Kind of Some of my Favorites
They’re so cleverly done for one. If you’re a Mario fan but don’t really want a character-based Super Mario backpack, I’d say this is the one to choose. Everything we love about our childhoods and the 90’s, stuff that’s weirdly now called ‘retro’ even though it feels like they were all released yesterday and Blockbuster is still a thing, can be found in this simple cartridge. Don’t tell me about impressing your fellow geeklings until you’ve got one of these. It is the ultimate.