Diane, I have here what appears to be a bunch of killer Twin Peaks merchandise.
Yep, folks. It finally happened! David Lynch’s groundbreaking, surrealist television series Twin Peaks returned for its third season after twenty-six years.
Thanks to David Lynch, Mark Frost, and Showtime, we get to have what is essentially gonna be — she says, squeeing — a 20-hour David Lynch feature film.
1. This T-Shirt Will Solve the Mystery Once and for All
What kept people tuning into Twin Peaks originally, week-after-week, was the pursuit of finding out who it was in this strange little town that dunnit. The same person that kidnapped Ronette Pulaski and left her on death’s door, who wrapped the seemingly innocent 17-year-old prom queen in plastic. Nobody knew who did it. It was a murder mystery the whole world was, for a time, a part of. With this t-shirt, the answer’s right there.
2. My Log Lady Twin Peaks POP! Has Something To Tell You…
One of Twin Peaks’ and David Lynch’s most memorable characters. Coming from a guy that knows nothing but how to write memorable characters (and James), you know she’s gonna be good. This strange resident of Twin Peaks is almost always in the background with her log. People see her as crazy, but like owls, people are not what they seem…
3. Drink Your (Blacker Than Midnight On A Moonless Night) Coffee From This Twin Peaks Mug
This mug brings all of the best bits of Twin Peaks together in a design that’s guaranteed (like my star constellations heat changing mug) to earn rightful attention. Ask the log, wrapped in plastic, the owls not being what they seem, and most apt for a Twin Peaks mug, damn fine coffee are all hand-drawn designs that look awesome. I’m not saying you’d even drink fishy coffee from it, but I am kinda saying that.
4. Use This Twin Peaks Access Guide Flyer To Find The Great Northern
Or Double R. Diner, the Bang Bang bar; find where the black lodge is supposed to be or where Laura Palmer’s body was found. Considered the height of Twin Peaks merchandise, the book is co-authored by David Lynch himself. Inside you can also find recipes for the damn fine cherry pie (or is that Pi gifts?) There are even this week(twenty-eight years ago)’s specials at the Double R. Coffee anyone?
5. The Twin Peaks POP! Laura Palmer Figure Is Dead and Wrapped in Plastic
As is to be expected, lest Funko was to release bobble hat Laura, prom queen Laura, or Black Lodge Laura (hint, hint, and yes, hint again.) When I first saw this POP! I wanted it. Choosing between all of the Twin Peaks bobbleheads was difficult for me. I mean, which road (in the dark, lit only by headlights) was I supposed to take? I won’t spoil you by telling you which I did, but if I didn’t get that one, it would’ve been this. (Or the Log Lady, or the Giant, or…)
6. This Audrey Horne Art Print Always Gets What it Wants
Everybody fell for the beautiful daughter of Ben and Sylvia Horne, as well as unintended will-they, won’t-they love interest for Coop himself. The moment she leaned up against the high school lockers with a cigarette, we were gone. She popularized brogues and cardigans and left everybody confused when the chemistry she had with Coop hit a dead end. With this print, you get Audrey’s iconic dance on a pastel background of the Black Lodge flooring. Not yet convinced? She can tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
7. The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer is SUCH a Good Read
Jennifer Lynch wrote this diary from Laura Palmer’s perspective in the year approaching the discovery of her body. We follow the first person narrative of Laura; from her beginnings as the good girl daughter of the Palmers to her discovery of drugs, connections with unsavory people, relationship with James, and most importantly, BOB. When you read this book, you travel through her oncoming paranoid madness with her. It gives a voice to the beautiful girl in the photo frame.
8. This Sweater is the Kind of Twin Peaks Merchandise That Makes You Wish You Spoke French
I could translate the caption on this sweater to actual French, but it wouldn’t do any justice to Lynch’s deaf Gordon Cole‘s remarkable opinion of Shelly. This sweater is like the statue without the arms. Milo-something. It looks like it’d look nice under the blazer I got for last year’s Halloween costume (Dale Cooper, but a few times got Mulder because, men in suits.) Go on, take it to dinner with Norma and Ed. Don’t tell Nadine.
9. Drink the Best Cup of Coffee This Side of the Double R!
Sometimes things are exactly what they say on the tin. With this handmade Twin Peaks mug that exclusively tells us the contents of it is damn fine coffee, are we really going to argue its identity with it? My only vice is that it should be a little bigger. Vat sized. But I mean, that’s my vice with every mug in existence.
10. Diane, I Have Here What Appears to be a Dale Cooper POP Vinyl
And Diane? I wish you were here to see it. I wasn’t going to tell you which Twin Peaks POP! I got, but as they revealed Laura Palmer’s murderer in the second season, I’m gonna take this opportunity to reveal I got Coop. I’m not worried about the list going the same way as the show. There’s too much great Twin Peaks merchandise left to come.
11. Hypnotize Your Friends in this Special Agent Dale Cooper Shirt
It’ll work, even if you’ve endured looking at the floor of the Black Lodge without getting dizzy. Have you ever wondered what it’d be like to be propositioned by David Blaine and his magic tricks? How about if David Blaine was actually Dale Cooper and the tricks were coffee? I’m in, and this t-shirt is made up of my Colors.
12. Angelo Badalamenti’s Twin Peaks Original Soundtrack Comes on a Damn Fine Coffee Colored Vinyl Record
I feel like it’d just have been wrong if it was any other way. Twin Peaks has two palettes. Earth and Fire. It’s only natural one of these comes into play with colored vinyl. This record is beautiful, it’s a collector’s edition, and the actual score isn’t bad too. There’s a reason the Twin Peaks theme is my ringtone.
13. Diane, This Microcassette Mini Journal Is Worth A Stop
Record all your innermost thoughts in this journal as Coop would have were his actual cassette recorder a diary. Heck, start your own diary the way Laura Palmer did and maybe you’ll coax BOB out of hiding. Come to think of it, I did hear an owl outside of my window last night. What does your log have to say about that?
14. Keep Your Keys Safe on a Great Northern Keychain
Fashioned to look like one of the room tags for Ben Horne’s Great Northern hotel — or is it actually one of them? — people are gonna be so jealous if you have this on your keys. Yes, dear readers, jealousy is always a way to get something. Just ask Lara Flynn Boyle!!
15. But First, A Twin Peaks Coffee T-Shirt
How do you take yours? Mention milk and we’re going to have a little talk with the repeated use of the word, “Why??” This damn fine t-shirt will look good on you even if you’re a non-black coffee drinker. I’d test it out myself but given my explicitly espress-ive tastes, milk doesn’t do my body good.
16. Have You Seen This Killer Bob Funko POP! Vinyl?
I don’t know, hiding beside your couch while you watch TV? How about creeping on top of you in your dreams, or hanging out outside of your window, or in the mirror you just stopped looking into. Complete your Twin Peaks merchandise POP collection with BOB. Psychopathic demonism aside, he’s super adorbs.
17. Get the Ultimate Twin Peaks Blu-Ray Collection
Twin Peaks merchandise is nothing without the ULTIMATE in Blu-Ray Lynching. This box set contains the original series, the prequel film “Fire Walk With Me”, and the Missing Pieces. Missing pieces is a collection of cut scenes from the movie but often feature some of the best residents from the town. Play a drinking game if you want with it. With this box set, there’s nothing to stop you!
18. Twin Peaks Canvas Art That Could Feature in Any Room in the House
Agent Cooper and Audrey meet the Man From Another Place in this beautifully rendered piece of artwork. It combines noir stylings with everything there is to love about the style of Twin Peaks as a series. It’s so good it could even be a standalone piece to a non-fan. If you don’t believe me, you’re clearly missing an eye like Nadine.
19. Visit Twin Peaks With Your Notebook For Coffee, Pie, and Murder
The latter is purely random, but the other two you can get quite easily, and each come with the combined scent of fresh pine. Sound like a candle or an air freshener yet? If you’re not up for writing in a mini cassette recorder journal, you can write in this instead. Make sure you’re home before dark…
20. Twin Peaks: The Final Dossier Bridges Together the Then and the Now
Written by series co-creator Mark Frost, The Final Dossier is a sequel novel to The Secret History of Twin Peaks. It fills in all the bits and pieces we missed between 1991 and 2017, including everything that happened to our favorite characters in the in-between. Maybe we’ll find out what happened to Donna? Annie? My English teacher would have called this required reading.
21. Your Log Lady Mug Does Not Judge
This adorable design pays tribute to the late Catherine Coulson’s Log Lady in a way only a good piece of Twin Peaks merchandise would know how to do. This Log Lady mug won’t judge what you’re drinking like I did, it won’t care if you have tea, juice, or wine inside of it. It’ll simply contain whatever you want, happily doing its job and spouting riddles.
22. Have You Seen This T-Shirt?
I think he needs a hairbrush. God forbid I get possessed for saying that. In the run-up to the new series of Twin Peaks, these posters lined a lot of streets across the globe. I would’ve given anything to have them near me and would have done them myself but all I needed was this t-shirt and then I could /be/ the wall. Join me. We’ll be a cult.