I have two words scarier than any horror movie. Ready? You sure? Alright, let’s do it, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. They are — bum bum buuuum — Rainbow Road. They’re words that have been known to incite fear and rage into everyone that’s ever picked up a Nintendo controller.
Whatever your age, most of us geeks have experience with Mario Kart and so we here at Discover Geek have found a bunch of Mario Kart gifts that will make you go, “Wa-hoo!” (Maybe in an Italian accent, maybe not.)
1. “They See Toad Rollin’, They Hatin'” 8-bit Pixel Print
Pixel sprites transposed into a photograph makes one of the coolest Super Mario Gifts for art lovers. The best part being that Mario himself has it on his wall to relive the time he threw a banana peel in front of Bowser. I’d call that cheating.
2. Super Mario Driving School Test License Tee
What do you do when a mushroom cuts you off? Be warned that if you use the green shell on me, I’m hoarding a blue one to knock ya ass out. I don’t care where you learned to drive.
3. I’m Sorry, Mario, but Your Princess is in Another Poster
Looking delectable, I might add. Peach was always my go-to pick for battles on the ’64. In later years, I switched to Wario to match my soul, but my heart’s still got a Princess shape in it. This video game wall art would upgrade any wall.
4. Mario Kart Cast Tee (and Full Body Design, You Say??)
As per, Mario’s in front, but I’ll let it slide (and him on a banana) because of just how awesome a print this is.
5. Blue Shell Tee: Catastrophically Destroying Friendships Since the 80’s
Lord Hail Spiny Shell: tool of champions and champion of tools. Used well, there’s no way they’ll catch up to you. BFF way ahead of you? Take a deep breath and let it go (right into the back of their dumb green kart.)
6. Mario SNES Pixel Shadow Rendered 3D Box Art
I can see that measly whateverasaur from here and he is triggering me. (I’m not bitter, you’re bitter.) Least it comes with a badass frame to protect him from my wrath. And thank God ’cause it’s beautiful.
7. Super Mario Kart Character Selection Tee
To this day — even with google, of which I have clearly not done — I find myself wondering if each character is different to control. It feels that way but the power of suggestion is a thing and maybe DK just looks like he’d be too heavy for 180° turns.
8. Mario vs the Thwomps K’NEX Building Set
I’m torn between really, really wanting this set and really, really needing it. It is the COOLEST. Could I crush Mario once and for all?
9. Watercolor Your World with This Mario Kart Parody Art
It’s a print that looks like it could fit perfectly on the walls of the Musée d’Orsay or the Tate, except it’s got Mario and his cronies on it. Vincent Van Who?
10. Sculpted Mario Go!!! Zoom Zoom Car
Spice up your Carrera slot car tracks with the cast of Mario Kart. Why wouldn’t you? Why shouldn’t you? I accept all answers as 1000 word essays because if you wouldn’t, you’re wrong!!!
11. Mario Kart “Dark Side of the Box” T-Shirt
I don’t want to be the one to tell you this (I don’t want to be held accountable by your mother/bae), but if you play Peach Floyd’s Dark Side of the Box with your last replay of Rainbow Road, you will summon Satan.
12. Blue Meanie Seeks to Destroy You Notebook
Or just the hands that hold it. This notebook unleashes a spiny shell when opened by anyone else. #justsayin
13. A Mario Kart Tee Whose Design you DON’T Want to See on Your Twitter Feed
Or, if you’re like me and enjoy chaos and key smashes, maybe you do. This tee is probably my favorite so far. It tingled me.
14. This Mario Kart Kooper Trooper Shirt Be Kool
Yaaaaaaaas, as the kids say. I mean, what can I, other than #squadgoals?
15. Mario Road Rage Laptop Case
The least a girl can do is honk their horn before racing past you to blow up the person at the front of the line. Manners, HELLO.
16. Distressed 8-bit Pixel Mario Vintage-feel Tee
Once upon a time, Mario had only two dimensions. Is it one dimension? I don’t know dimensions. Fan of the retro style? Then you’ll love this Mega Man Merchandise. I know I think of him like this when I dream of him at night.
17. Mad Mario: Fury Road Fandom Mash-Up Mug
This is Geek-ception and I am living. It’s-a-Mad Max! What we all really want to know is, Peach is Furiosa, right??
18. Retro Mario Kart Tee with “Rainbow Road” Neon Design
Fffffffffff. A tribute to — as previously mentioned — the only thing eviler than spiny shells, this hella-amaze design combines our fave Mario characters with their signature colours and makes for the best companion piece to a blazer and/or overalls. Trust.