It’s time to revisit Rapture and Columbia. Every one of the worlds in the BioShock universe has their lighthouse, morals, and lessons to be learned. Biggest being: our choices don’t matter.
We’ve sourced 12 of the best BioShock shirts we could find online. So much the best, Sander Cohen might even let you into one of his renowned performances…
1. FIRST You Need To Visit Rapture Like This T-Shirt Is Telling You
As we mentioned in our BioShock merchandise post, the first descent into Rapture is mega memorable. Seeing that gold statue of Andrew Ryan with the motto for the Ryanist philosophy on a velvet banner was mind-blowing. “No Gods or Kings, only Man!” This t-shirt brings that to life with the windows looking out over the city under the sea you can’t think of BioShock without thinking of.
2. It’s ALWAYS Adventure Time In Columbia!
Out of all the BioShock shirts that we’ve seen, this one has to be the geekiest. All that does is put the odds consistently in our favor. As geeks, we LOVE geeky things. The geekier the better! Mixing one of our favorite cartoons and one of our favorite games together might as well be a recipe for our destruction. In which case, so long world.
3. Never Be Afraid Again, Not With This Big Daddy Shirt To Look Out For You
No security force is stronger than one that’s made up of a cast iron suit and drill the size of a small human. Pay no attention to the man behind the helmet and gas tank. If it even is a man. The Big Daddy was engineered to serve and to protect, and this shirt was made so nobody forgets. No one’s gonna mess with you with Big Daddy at your side.
4. The Big Daddy Doll Makes An Appearance On This T-Shirt
Remember the unforgettable image from the BioShock 2 teaser? Little Sister standing, not-so-little-anymore, overlooking the vast ocean at sunset? How about in the display case? With a ragdoll Big Daddy dangling by her side? If you don’t, here’s a video that will. GREAT RIGHT? Cool, now you get to wear this shirt and think about how awesome BioShock is.
5. This Plasmid Shirt Serves Up Some Good Advice With Its Propaganda
If you’re on an adventure time in Rapture, have met up with all your little sisters and helped them into vents, the least you can do is give yourself a bit of time to master the Plasmids. Electric Bolt is one of the best to use in Rapture. As Pokemon taught us, electric and water do not mix. Try throwing Splicer flesh into that occasion and see what you come up with.
6. DeWitt And Elizabeth Return To Form In BioShock: Tintinfinate
The plot to this installment varies from its predecessors in that our favorite rogue detective has turned a third page to become the nicest incarnation he’s had yet! Fitting to Elizabeth’s taste, they’re both French in this and Songbird’s downsized quite a bit. Roughly to the size of a terrier… Am I getting my storyboards mixed up??
7. Pretty Sure BioShock Shirts Should Always Include Neptune’s Bounty
…and his fishery. But with Rapture being under the sea and all, I’m preeeetty positive a complex consisting exclusively of fisheries is going to be the sole… (heh) greatest hit of the sand. (Y’know, a play on land). The vintage wear on the logo will even make you feel like you’re wearing a fabric version of it. If you don’t believe me, try it out!
8. Under The Sea With Mr. B Is A Pretty Good Place To Be
I will damn well make that a song. And I will damn well sing that song on my next playthrough so I don’t think about my inevitable end each time I help one of my little sisters. And I will damn well wear this Dr. Seussian BioShock t-shirt. And I will never stop beginning all of my sentences with “I Will” because this isn’t a Whitney Houston song.
9. This Splicer T-Shirt Has Some Donnie Darko Vibes About It And We Dig It
Just wear one of your BioShock shirts and let me LIVE MY LIFE. Make sure it’s one with the bunny mask on to rep for my boy Sander. That’ll get you my attention and Sander’s attention. Show up at the theater, you might even get a starring role as the new marionette at the piano. Quick question: how much do you value your life?
10. If Aphex Twin Did The BioShock Soundtrack, We’re Pretty Sure This Design Would Be On Its Cover
And what a pretty design it is, too. Who really knows what place the two would mix. It’d require a bit of tear-jumping and time traveling, but didn’t we learn in Infinite that anything is possible and there are an infinite amount of worlds to make that so? Wonder how many of those worlds have BioShock shirts in them that are this cool. Wonder, even more, how many have Aphex Twin.
11. It Is About Constants And Variables, After All! Ask This Lutece Twins Shirt
The twins were the best part of that game, and it was a game that had a lot of hella-cool stuff going for it. Their banter that was sprawled through their genius — and also kinda trolling — clues always took me, personally, for a ride. I love that when it comes to games and movies. Well done, twins. Well done for appearing in the very first level and freaking the heck out of me right away. Truly the way to my heart. (Literally. With this shirt, you’ll be on my chest.”
12. Big Daddy And Little Sister Visited My Neighbor Totoro
…and all they got was taking Totoro’s place on the poster art and this amazing t-shirt. But hey, at least they’re always going to have each other, which always made the levels in the games feel a little less lonely. Which…probably was why BioShock 2 was my least favorite. LITERALLY, because I spent the majority of my time alone being chased by big sisters. But, you know what? It wouldn’t have been as bad if I got to wear this.