Whether Valve’s teasing of a new game in the Half-Life/Portal universe means we’ll finally be getting the third game in the series or they’re concocting something brand new, it all began with one idea.
We’ve used Easter to track down the best Portal merchandise on the web while eating chocolate, just in case we didn’t miss the game quite enough.
1. This Portal Board Game Will Bring Your Family Closer Together
Either that or tear it apart, it all really depends on how many times y’all played Star Wars Monopoly and how many members survived that. Official Portal Merchandise.
2. Feeling Lonely At Night? Cuddle Up To Your Very Own Portal Cube Plush
Real talk: I always feel lonely at night. Especially, that is, when I’m without a part of Portal there’s no way I can get stuck on.
3. This Portal T-Shirt Was Made To Remind Us The Cake Is A Lie
I don’t think I’ve ever said those words once in my life until now, it was freeing. Full of Portal quotes, this is a tee that’ll have you chuckling to yourself. What, in life, is better than that?
4. Love Lego? Then You’ll Love This Portal Lego Dimensions Pack
What I loved about Lego was being able to mix universes. Now not only is there Lego to build, you can actually use it to play the video game and do just that. Mind blown. Good one, Lego!
5. Fan Of Both Doctor Who And Portal? This Crossover Portal Shirt Was Made For You
Which Doctor do you think Chell would like to act as her companion (rather than the other way around, let’s take the liberty)? My money’s on Capaldi.
6. Chell’s Orange Portal Jumpsuit Is The New Black
And it’s orange, so it’s not detracting from the reference! Be a test subject at Aperture Laboratories next time you ride the bus. We have faith in you.
7. Have Your Books Caught Between Time And Space With These Portal Bookends
Your books will look killer, no matter what stuff you read. Ayn Rand aside, these Portal bookends could cover any manner of literary sins.
8. Excuse Me, Sir, Madame, Or Martian, You’ve Got Something On Your Portal 2 T-Shirt
It looks good, though! Does it hurt? You know, having a Portal to a whole other place on your chest…
9. Jazz Up Your Office With This Massive Portal 2 Poster
I can’t think of a single reason why you wouldn’t want to. Like maybe if you have a fear of artificial intelligence being competent enough to open doors humans can’t, but it’s 2017!!
10. Never Mind The Looking Glass, Alice Has Gone To Aperture In This Portal T-Shirt
She’s not going to run into the Queen of Hearts or Mad Hatter here, but Wonderland was an apt boot camp to prepare her.
11. A Portal 2 Companion Cube Rug To Keep You Company
Officially licensed Portal merchandise, this rug is not to be tampered with or sold into slavery. You must guard it with your life, or else just buy a backup. That’s what twins are for.
12. Serve Up Your Morning Brew In A Portal Mug
Stolen from the desk of the last human seen alive at Aperture and shoved in a matching box, nobody knows where it went. Except for you and I. (And anyone reading.)
13. Play Hole-A-Hoop While You Wear This Portal Shirt
If one of the challenges had been to hoop, I might’ve been much better than I was working out how to build a bridge, but since it wasn’t and I wasn’t, I shall just sport this tee.
14. You’ll Never Lose Your Keys Again! Not With A Portal Keychain, You Won’t
To use a personal anecdote of me almost losing my keys and favorite keychain just last week, when you have a really precious one, they’re harder to lose.
15. Can You Feel Chell Jumping In The Air Tonight? Oh Lord, This Portal Tee Is Awesome
We already knew that Chell is super smart. Now we have prove that she’s also great at sports. Look at her go.
16. A Couple Badass Portal Patches To Personalize Your Favorite Jacket
Pro-tip: if you’ve torn your jacket or shirt by accident, just stick a patch on it and no one will know you can’t wear clothes!
17. Work In Aperture’s Security Division, Wearing A Portal T-Shirt That Says Just That
Who cares if you’re not on the exclusive allowance list to the labs, right? You have a shirt, it’s totally official now.
18. This Wicked Cool Replica Portal Gun Might Just Make Your Millennia
If you’re looking to portal jump, look no further. It’s real! It’s really real! (Just give me this moment to pretend…)
19. If A Companion Cube Doesn’t Do It For You, This Portal 2 Turret Plush Just Might
What with the noises it makes and voices it has, it almost doesn’t matter that the turrets don’t actually shoot. Hey, there’s honor in good behavior! (Maybe…)