Whether Valve’s teasing of a new game in the Half-Life/Portal universe means we’ll finally be getting the third game in the series or they’re concocting something brand new, it all began with one idea.
We’ve used Easter to track down the best Portal merchandise on the web while eating chocolate, just in case we didn’t miss the game quite enough.
1. This Portal Board Game Will Bring Your Family Closer Together
Source: amazon.com
Either that or tear it apart, it all really depends on how many times y’all played Star Wars Monopoly and how many members survived that. Official Portal Merchandise.
Get the Portal The Uncooperative Cake Acquisition Game on amazon.com
2. Feeling Lonely At Night? Cuddle Up To Your Very Own Portal Cube Plush
Source: amazon.com
Real talk: I always feel lonely at night. Especially, that is, when I’m without a part of Portal there’s no way I can get stuck on.
Get the Companion Cube Plush on amazon.com
3. This Portal T-Shirt Was Made To Remind Us The Cake Is A Lie
Source: weheartgeeks.com
I don’t think I’ve ever said those words once in my life until now, it was freeing. Full of Portal quotes, this is a tee that’ll have you chuckling to yourself. What, in life, is better than that?
Get the Portal Quotes Shirt on weheartgeeks.com
4. Love Lego? Then You’ll Love This Portal Lego Dimensions Pack
Source: amazon.com
What I loved about Lego was being able to mix universes. Now not only is there Lego to build, you can actually use it to play the video game and do just that. Mind blown. Good one, Lego!
Get the Portal2 Lego Set on amazon.com
5. Fan Of Both Doctor Who And Portal? This Crossover Portal Shirt Was Made For You
Source: teepublic.com
Which Doctor do you think Chell would like to act as her companion (rather than the other way around, let’s take the liberty)? My money’s on Capaldi.
Get the Portal Dr. Who Shirt on teepublic.com
6. Chell’s Orange Portal Jumpsuit Is The New Black
Source: amazon.com
And it’s orange, so it’s not detracting from the reference! Be a test subject at Aperture Laboratories next time you ride the bus. We have faith in you.
Get the Portal Chell Jumpsuit on amazon.com
7. Have Your Books Caught Between Time And Space With These Portal Bookends
Source: amazon.com
Your books will look killer, no matter what stuff you read. Ayn Rand aside, these Portal bookends could cover any manner of literary sins.
Get the Portal 2 Bookends on amazon.com
8. Excuse Me, Sir, Madame, Or Martian, You’ve Got Something On Your Portal 2 T-Shirt
Source: teepublic.com
It looks good, though! Does it hurt? You know, having a Portal to a whole other place on your chest…
Get the Portal Shirt on teepublic.com
9. Jazz Up Your Office With This Massive Portal 2 Poster
Source: amazon.com
I can’t think of a single reason why you wouldn’t want to. Like maybe if you have a fear of artificial intelligence being competent enough to open doors humans can’t, but it’s 2017!!
Get the Portal 2 Poster on amazon.com
10. Never Mind The Looking Glass, Alice Has Gone To Aperture In This Portal T-Shirt
Source: teepublic.com
She’s not going to run into the Queen of Hearts or Mad Hatter here, but Wonderland was an apt boot camp to prepare her.
Get the Portal Alice in Wonderland Shirt on teepublic.com
11. A Portal 2 Companion Cube Rug To Keep You Company
Source: thinkgeek.com
Officially licensed Portal merchandise, this rug is not to be tampered with or sold into slavery. You must guard it with your life, or else just buy a backup. That’s what twins are for.
Get the Companion Cube Rug on thinkgeek.com
12. Serve Up Your Morning Brew In A Portal Mug
Source: amazon.com
Stolen from the desk of the last human seen alive at Aperture and shoved in a matching box, nobody knows where it went. Except for you and I. (And anyone reading.)
Get the Aperture Laboratories Mug on amazon.com
13. Play Hole-A-Hoop While You Wear This Portal Shirt
Source: teepublic.com
If one of the challenges had been to hoop, I might’ve been much better than I was working out how to build a bridge, but since it wasn’t and I wasn’t, I shall just sport this tee.
Get Portal Hula Hoop Shirt on teepublic.com
14. You’ll Never Lose Your Keys Again! Not With A Portal Keychain, You Won’t
Source: amazon.com
To use a personal anecdote of me almost losing my keys and favorite keychain just last week, when you have a really precious one, they’re harder to lose.
Get the Portal Keychain on amazon.com
15. Can You Feel Chell Jumping In The Air Tonight? Oh Lord, This Portal Tee Is Awesome
Source: teepublic.com
We already knew that Chell is super smart. Now we have prove that she’s also great at sports. Look at her go.
Get the Portal Chell Shirt on teepublic.com
16. A Couple Badass Portal Patches To Personalize Your Favorite Jacket
Source: amazon.com
Pro-tip: if you’ve torn your jacket or shirt by accident, just stick a patch on it and no one will know you can’t wear clothes!
Get the Portal Patches on amazon.com
17. Work In Aperture’s Security Division, Wearing A Portal T-Shirt That Says Just That
Source: designbyhumans.com
Who cares if you’re not on the exclusive allowance list to the labs, right? You have a shirt, it’s totally official now.
Get the Portal Aperture Science Shirt on designbyhumans.com
18. This Wicked Cool Replica Portal Gun Might Just Make Your Millennia
Source: amazon.com
If you’re looking to portal jump, look no further. It’s real! It’s really real! (Just give me this moment to pretend…)
Get the Portal Gun on amazon.com
19. If A Companion Cube Doesn’t Do It For You, This Portal 2 Turret Plush Just Might
Source: amazon.com
What with the noises it makes and voices it has, it almost doesn’t matter that the turrets don’t actually shoot. Hey, there’s honor in good behavior! (Maybe…)
