Ever have a dream as a kid of having a paintball match without getting messy? Is that a Virgo thing?
How about playing Goldeneye 64 with the paintball cheat and wished there was an entire game dedicated to shooting people with color instead of bullets?
1. You’ve Got Your Splat Brella, You’re Not About to Eff Around
A lot of video games these days allow your protagonist to be entirely customizable. Words I never thought, in the days when Super Mario 64 was the best graphically designed game on earth, I would utter. I mean that in the best way. Games like Splatoon, Fallout, and others, let a game actually become your game. Agent 3 — YOU — on this Splatoon shirt, mean business. Look at that scowl. You could be a model, or Linda Evangelista, or- wait. I’m a geek, I don’t know models.
2. Eat Your Enemies with Fava Beans and a Nice Chianti
I can’t say where this meat is from. I’m a vegetarian and whatever the source, the fact it’s neon both proves it likely has some toxicity to it, but also that it’s neon like my soul. Were Hannibal Lecter stowing away some Splatoon clothing amongst his three-piece suits, I’d put a buck on this Splatoon shirt being the one that he’d wear to bed. Believe me, the irony isn’t lost on him.
Also, what do you think squid skewers taste like?
3. It’s Adventure Time in Octo Valley, Now!
And my sweet baby Sonic, do Finn and Jake get around. We’ve seen them in Limbo shirts, the works! I get it. I mean, adventure time means time for adventures. There’s no amount of extra curricular reading that needs to go into what those words, together, in fact, mean, but they go so many places and never take me with them. I’d like to meet Marceline! Or the Princess, since she’d be able to teach me all about the parts of geekery I don’t get. Like the smart parts. But my customizable protagonist has such a pretty face!
4. All the Small Things, Splatoon Shirts, Splatoon… Rings
I made up the rings part to make those lyrics rhyme, but you never know what Splatoon merchandise there is out there. This t-shirt is a mashup of Blink-182 and Splatoon, and it’s so clever I almost can’t handle it. The logo is adapted from Blink-182’s 2003 self-titled album (yep, the one with Miss You on it) and made to fit into Inkopolis so well I’m surprised the album cover wasn’t supposed to look exactly like this.
5. Don’t be Triflin’ with the Squid Sisters!
Even if they do completely look like edible trifles here. The Squid Sisters Callie and Marie, are one of Inktopolis’s most popular Inkling Idol groups. All any of us really need in this life of sin is a Squid Sisters official band t-shirt. Tell me I’m wrong. Go on. Come at me! They’re fashionable, Instagram famous, colorful and bold, and they’re gonna make the Biebs eat his heart out.
6. Are You a Kid or a Squid? Be Both!
In Inkopolis, you can be. Splatoon is the one game on this earth — one of two if we’re counting Splatoon 2 as a separate entity — where you don’t have to be one or the other. I get it, there are other games where you can be one thing or something else at the same time, but not a SQUID. And certainly not a squid who inks neon colors. This Splatoon shirt more than any of them has the vibe of the game down…
Wait for it….
7. I Have an Inkling You’re Gonna Dig this T-Shirt
The pun was bound to happen sooner or later. Be proud of me, geeklets, for said pun actually worked for once. This lightweight t-shirt features an Inkling in their squid-form over the top of some Inkling language (Inklish??) According to the game developers, Inkling isn’t fully fleshed out enough to be a language that’s translatable or decipherable, but to me, that just means we get to choose what it says for ourselves. Mine says “I’m the Winner”, how about yours?
8. Hey, Hey, it’s the Splat Kids! (People Say They’re Splattin’ Around)
This Splatoon shirt is, in ways, more customizable than the creation of your Agent. Sort of. Maybe customizable isn’t the word, but not having to choose is still one of the benefits of being a video gamer. The games where you have to are always so much more aggravating when it’s multiplayer than when it’s not. What if I want to be Annie too?? Don’t make me choose. Just give me a t-shirt with both genders on it. It can be an allegory of life.
9. Is Cannibalism a Thing in Octo Valley? Just Wondering
Agent 3 might be chowing down on some rice that’s just shaped like squids here but you never know with these kids. Assuming they’re in human form, though, would that actually count as cannibalism or just eating food? Them eating it in squid form would be cannibalism, but since she isn’t here, what do we class that as? Like, besides the fact the neon blue and pink design is a joy to my aesthetic sensibilities.
…and now I’m hungry and want to play Splatoon. I did it to myself. But there’s also /nothing/ stopping me…!nothing stopping me…!